بیست و پنجم

بیست و پنجم بهمن ماهه

ساعت 3 بامداد

وارد شنبه شدیم دیگه

دارم مطالب فردا رو آماده میکنم 

حالم بهتره 

ادامه دار باشه این حال و بهتر بشه 

کاش 

یا امیدوارم 

 

اندکی بهتر

چند روزی گذشت و حالم یکم بهتره 

میتونم بشینم فکرامو جمع و جور کنم و کارامو اولویت بندی کنم و به سرعت انجامشون بدم 

دو سه روزی هم خارج شهر گذروندم و روی حال و هوام تاثیر داشت 

امشبم آخرین شب حضورم در اینجاست احتمالا 

و برخواهیم گشت فردا به احتمال بسیار 

بعد از برگشت بلافاصله یه کار نیمه تموم دارم میرم تمومش میکنم هر طور شده 

و فاز بعدی کارمو هم از اولین دوشنبه بعد از اتمام اون کار نیمه تموم شروع میکنم 

بقیه کارارو هم به ترتیب اولویت در طول زمان انجام میدم 

شب بخیر

شعر نیمه تمام

من نهانم در پی پنجره ها 

با دلی سرد و پر از خشم و غم فاصله ها 

با نگاهی به رخ عاشق ماه

و دلی هست در اینجا که پر از حسرت و آه 

خسته از زمزمه ی حال تباه 

به کجا میروم اما تو بگو 

تو بگو هست امیدی که تو را ...

باز یابم که بخوانی تو مرا

از پس آیینه ی شکسته ای

بنشینی تا بخوانی قصه را

قصه ی زخم عمیق دل من

 

#نیمه_تمام #خودنویس #زمستانه #شاعرانه یکشنبه پنج بهمن 1399

what the fk is going on

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm stupid. For having this need. To be noticed. By Someone. By anyone. I don't know. 

I'm not brave enough to finish this race. This stupid life. Who wants to continue this misery?

Or maybe I can still hold on. I can still tolerate this pressure. And maybe oneday, When I can't hold it anymore I'd have the courage to end it. 

Eveything feels stupid. It's like fall down a cliff and not being able to do anything about. Just falling down and at the same time, falling apart, from inside and outside.

I don't even know what am I saying. Or What do I want to say.

The truth is I'm really confused here. 

To be honest, my life isn't fucked up. I'm a regular guy. Work, Family, Stuff. Usual. But something is missing. 

And that's messing with my mind. 

You know, Maybe I'm craze. But then I think, Who isn't? 

And then there's this question. Who the fuck cares? NO FUCKING BODY. 

Probably not even me. 

Why? I don't know?

What do I want? What am I looking for? What is missing in my life? in my mind? What can help me? I have no clue. No fucking idea. 

SO there's no end to this. 

I can write this shit all night. But then I realize, It fucking doesn't matter. Because Nobody should and will care.

You know everyday, I wish I die in an accident. It's cool. It's not suicide. You don't know about it. And people will move on. Because it was an accident.

Every God Damn Day. I want that to happen. 

Maybe I run from it. Maybe and last moment I don't want it to end. Just Maybe. But if it's an accident then I wouldn't have a choice.

Here's the good part:

If there's an afterlife then I'd be happy to be there specially if there's a heaven and hell.
If the afterlife is being born in another body, then there's chance that I get a better life in the next one.
but at the end, if there's no afterlife, then I'd rest in peace forever. And not being alive is better than being alive like this.

 

Goodnight.